‘Elf and Safety….

Posted: February 16, 2014 in Daily Posts

I was reading an article in the Times this morning, by dear fluffy Jeremy Clarkson about the agro he’s had over appearing in Top Gear last Sunday jet skiing across Lake Como with no safety gear apart from his jeans, t-shirt, years of experience operating things with engines oh and his own common sense.

He has been slated not only by presumably the BBC for not doing the ‘elf and safety nonsense, but also by dozens of ordinary peeps on Twitter.

How sad. We’re all so bloody careful these days you can’t sneeze in public without contemplating sprawling across the pavement over a 2 mm paving stone rise and then suing the local council for squillions.

So then I contemplated the scene if I had an ‘elf and safety officer visited me at work.

::knock on door::

‘Morning, Mistress Mephisto?’.


‘ Ahh, Fred Smith, ‘elf and safety!’

‘Oh, fabulous, do come in’.

‘Just a routine inspection, as we said in the letter.’

‘Yes, no problem, come in.’

‘Ahh, excellent’….

:: both enters playroom::

‘Oh, it’s a bit dark in here?’

‘Ah well you wanted to see my working conditions and it’s mood lighting. Makes it feel comfy and slightly sexy’.

‘Oh well, not sure how ‘sexy’ it will be if someone fell over. Perhaps turn the top lights on, when you’re working?’

::flicks switch:: ‘There much better’.

::playroom now lit up with 100w over head strip light, usually only turned on to hoover bits of wax off floor :: ‘We can’t have anyone falling over or stubbing their toe on any of this umm… interesting furniture.’


‘Is that a cage?’


‘I see…..So I asked to see a selection of equipment you use on a daily basis?’

‘I have it here’.

‘Excellent, first bit please?’

:: hands Mr Smith a 10ft piece of rope::

‘Ah, umm…it’s a piece of rope?’


‘Um….what’s it for?’

‘Tying people up’.

‘Tying people up?’


‘Well, that’s a bit dangerous’.

‘Not if you do it correctly’

‘Umm…well, not sure we should allow it.’

‘Oh, but they do enjoy it’.

‘Well, that’s irrelevant’. ::puts rope down gingerly:: ‘Next item?’

::hands over riding crop::

‘Umm…a riding crop? Do you own horses?’

‘No, it’s for the people I tie up’

‘Oh, um..okay. I’m not sure I follow’.

‘Well, I beat them with the crop’.

::long pause::

‘I see, umm…not sure that’s a terribly good idea, you might hurt them.’

‘Well, they seem to like that too, as do I’

‘That’s really not important, what you like.  It’s terribly unsafe and a bad idea. Anything else, that’s a bit safer?’

::picks up butt plug, holds out to Mr Smith::

‘One of my nicest butt plugs. All sterilised and very clean.’

:: looks at butt plug, but doesn’t take it::

‘I see….umm…’

‘You insert it’

‘Right, umm…’

‘It’s quite safe if you use plenty of good quality lube and are gentle and careful’.

‘I bet it is…. I think that’s a very bad idea, introducing foreign objects into parts of the body.I’m really not sure we’re making much progress here. Anything else?’

::MM puts down butt plug, picks up nipple clamps::

‘Nipple clamps. Again all sterile and clean. In excellent condition. I like to look after my kit’

::Mr Smith makes odd squeaking noise::

‘Mr Smith?’

‘Let me get this clear, Mistress Mephisto. You use a dark playroom, where you tie people up, hit them with riding crops, stick butt plugs in their asses and pinch their nipples with metal clamps?’

::MM smiles::

‘Well, yes, among other things.’

‘And you feel that this is all healthy and safe for people to do?’


‘I think I’ll stick to Jeremy Clarkson, Good morning.’

::Mr Smith makes a fast exit::

‘Goodbye Mr Smith, nice meeting you.’

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